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Only that the chaos breed more chaos was the prescript my appestat governed my life with …pain ceases to exist only after you have welcomingly befriended it as you would a lover whom you hold no secrets from.
As it is, there are still those things that dwell deep in my soul as they also surely dwell in every person’s sanctum sanctorum. There, buried below is all that which we can not forget. It is where I personally ask those many questions I’m never seemingly able to act on due to the plangent struggle I ever so try to come to terms with. And it is where I also try to reconcile the certainty of never having attained true and unconditional eternal love as it is said to exist. Whereof I, having only felt the near attainment of this purported love ever so briefly, is the Orchard I will tell you that I daily long to step in with both feet. To be one half of this, so rarefied in its design, and if not possible at this point then at the very least approximate in the promise of momentarily achieving that bliss every time I reside in my own debauchery or a brief affaire de coeur.
As with the etiology of all self destructive drives or addictions, their origins of nascent lie within the effort each of us has as we try to fill some chasm that is many a times a result of a deep and buried trauma that has befallen us. Whether it lay buried quiescent, and dormant, or blistering and open, the wound pains us for what will interminably seem a lifetime. Many a time that wound and distress that may or may never seem to rear its ugly head as he resides in you will drive such behaviors we’re inherently used to slavishly obeying, causes us to act upon certain desires or wants that we would perhaps otherwise never partake in should that trauma not be part of our lives. What’s more is whether by repression, ignorance, or the selfish pleasure embracing such behaviors brings, we may never want to search, diagnose, and cauterize that open wound. Afortiori, ignorance my bliss, wisdom my folly.
Sparing you of all the reasons why and how I acquired such a trauma, if one did in fact exist, and forwarding you forthright to my current level of addiction, the types of which I will shortly reveal to you, I should begin by telling you what was the redounding and preponderate effect of such a trauma as it personally pertained to me. I tell you as I’ve the need to think aloud so as to find some closure in my life as I now move on into an entirely new direction in my life.
Truth is, I was and perhaps I still am, a coward. No, not afraid of man, violence, or pain, never! A coward of a man who was only terrified of falling in love! And at the same time the man who was terrified of trusting anybody who so much as neared me in the most intimate sense. Afraid was I to make any real connections with any woman, or person for that matter, who threatened what I conveniently deemed as my freedom. More to the exact point I should say, afraid of anyone who threatened my life’s lie. The lie that I wasn’t some terrified little boy living in the big bad world and who carried with him in his suitcase a past filled with a myriad of issues. Of a boy who dawned the mask of a finely tuned and accomplished actor with nothing but the paint of comedy to hide the pain that hid behind his eyes.
The disparity I had to deal with in regards my cowardice as I stated earlier was how I came to rely on the panacea and lenitives of such things as dope and one night stands. Thus, it was here that my fear of having my world crushed as a result of her leaving me, or simply falling out of love with me for that matter, that led me to grasp the only aid of which assuaged my pain. That of womanizing and prolonged drunken-drug fueled years of genii debauchery. Though in no particular order or hegemony I did prefer however to use alcohol so as to induce my love for narcotics so as to enhance my virility. So I thought. Only that the chaos breed more chaos was the prescript my appestat governed my life with. And indeed mitigated and placated my life it did in order to allay my fears cold loneliness. It was a sterile ugliness that shone in and on a boy who it would seem had such a promising profile yet not a chance at life with such crippling fears.
Those of you who have never been pathologically unstable, irrationally gifted, whimsically eccentric, or caught somewhere between the lines of neuroticism, psychosis and paranoia may have the unfortunate lack of understanding as to whence the misery of your own cowardice comes from. Neither will it seem does the underlying distress or incontinent lack of moderation have a traceable source from which it comes from. But it does, it most certainly does. And it is in this vortex in which you will eventually get caught up in as the vertigo you’re never able to compose amidst the darkness. For it takes balance to find your way back up those spiriferous stairs you so long ago descended. By this statement my poor mind feels all too alone as I fear we’re just not like everybody else who doesn’t share our knowledge of such a fear. If such is the case then, that will make my story all the more interesting as you will no doubt read these words that you so easily could have written yourself. With that said let us proceed then.
Unable or perhaps unwilling to take that chance to love, feel, and live like most normal people, or in regards to negating everything you are, is an idea that defies your logic. A commitment to non-commitment, if you will graciously allow me this neologistic truism. A thorough understanding of nullity borne out of fear and primal desires that never seem to allow themselves enough gratification! Fear is that Hydra that rears and directs you with his heads every move and eyes very stare. Fear of what, I would often ask myself after a night of libertarian abandon! Fear of showing my insecurities? Yes! Fear of humanity? Most definitely, and of my own frailty! Fear of the unknown, of honesty, fear of responsibility, fear of intimacy, yes, yes, yes, yes! Fear of caring and feeling for any one other than myself. Was I the apotheosis of apathy and selfishness? This I can only answer with an absolute yes! Fear of being honest with myself so as to live in view of the sun’s light and vitality? Yes!!! Most of all the fear of letting her down should her love find me naked and exposed. At a loss to know what to do if anything!.JPG)
Who was this woman who I blamed for inflicting so much emotional distress on me? The uncertainty of reciprocity was not a poor excuse I told myself, as it would prove to be the similarity I labeled one and every woman out there amidst the throng of would be lovers with. Why bother with such trivial emotions. Better to deaden the senses I repeated to myself. She was always that nameless woman I would meet who would always rush to eagerly adore me wherein I would soon spur her to abandon me for reasons which I could not explain. That woman who poised herself ready to love me fully and unconditionally without so much as a doubt. Without as much as an unconscious request should I have made her want to inquire something or of someone on my part! Leary of her and her love, I insisted she leave me, she who I drove away with all that which I would not explain to her either. Her, the Muse whose vision of perfection I chased around the world dancing the dance of flames. Her every breath of fire she breathed, the whisper of a hope that brought me a step closer to my salvation. The woman, who only so briefly I allowed entrance to so as to more easily enable myself to push away, I can’t remember now.
How can I ever forget, how can I ever forgive myself for not allowing her entrance to even the simplest of my feelings! Somehow never failing to show my ever so suspicious eyes those captious little faults I too eagerly looked for in every one of her gestures or smiles she bestowed on to me so as to chase her away all the more quicker. Doing so as to make my reasons of running fast and far away from her seem all the more justifiable to my cowardice’s reasoning. Nothing therefore would I owe her due her ingenuousness therein allowing me after any amount of time I spent with her to be none the more the guilty party should she have held anything more than just primal affection for me. Be it an hour, a day, a week, or more I always and inevitably looked for all those errors and insuperable faults that surely resided deep in any and all of them so as to give me sufficient reason enough to hurry off and away from her with nothing less than a memory of last night and nothing more than her name. And sometimes not even that as I would just leave, I sadly relay to you.
Running far and away from any women and any dream of mine that I ever had a chance to actualize or quantify was the marathon I ran for two decades. This is I did by easily convincing myself in turn that love did not exist. To resist the temptations of regret I swore by this so as to also quell any revolt that sprang up in me despite of all my fears. Scolding myself during those times that I myself deemed only human all too human but somehow managing to instead see them as an attribute of human weakness I did not possess. That my dreaming of such things were actions done solely by the poor as only those with the fortitude of spirituous and ferruginous character like myself need not partake in. Explaining it as simply the will some of us inherently possess that allows any thing we set our minds to accomplish to always come to fruition. Not even the idea of it presented any verity to it.
That’s how it went for many a season that passed taking with it all the colors that start to fade as autumn approaches. With each new passing of the year I kept running, denying, and lying to myself so as not to fail at taking the chance on living. These lies were the nepenthe I numbed my pain with. Not having to take a chance on seeing what everybody else saw as the privilege and gift of life. That of falling in love! That of feeling. That of losing all that which you love which is part of living. And yet, every now and again I would ask myself, what was I so afraid of? I can’t even remember now…it’s been so long. But that I was terrified of letting her or anyone down I was certain wasn’t the reason. This being that I had imagined myself to be more than I was, which was not human. So as to not take any responsibility for anything as I was sure were the concerns of other men. So I could continue to live without being alive as I had always done. Preferring rather not to discommode my irrationality and pathological reasons for wanting to remain, as I have said, comfortably numb! Proving once again that it only served to propitiate my feelings of inadequacy and self loathing as it begrudged me each and every waking hour. But this much I did not know as I confess to you now.
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My cowardice, my whoring, and my binging caused me to conveniently keep running from city to city and away from myself so as to leave all those recrudescing feelings behind. Becoming as I did something quite different than what my childhood expected me to become. Little did I know that those same fears and feelings were always waiting for me in the next town. They somehow always arriving there before I did. And much to my surprise at that! It was to these sojourns I dedicated my life to as I hid the veracity of my own cowardice. Yes, for I was soon to become instead intimate with the safety of only indulging in one night stands so I didn’t have to face the fear I had of confronting everything that love is, brings, and represents to everybody else. Only, the impossibility of it all was sure to leave me stranded and more flayed than I already was. This was to be the only thing I was sure of as it came to haunt me as much as it spurred me on in my youth.
Not that I resent knowing all that I do know now as I sometimes understand it but pining instead due to my inability to trust myself enough to take that chance at risking everything I am for nothing in return by falling in love. But that’s what love is isn’t it. How was I supposed to know? The only sounds I came to be sure of were the sounds of my own footsteps as I left the door of each woman I had hid with the night before. That seems like so long ago now. But why am I telling you all this. I think merely as a means for me to think aloud as I sit and reflect on what love has cost me in its entirety as I have now come to fall in love and experience that liberating blow of loss as she has since moved on. Was it worth it? To experience all that I never did only to have it crush me further as I sank into my chasm of blame and self worthlessness. Yes. Yes it was worth every second as I took that chance only to come to finally feel what it’s like to be alive.
As much as her leaving caused my dormant chasm of loneliness and hate to finally erupt, the ashes of my bane also helped to cover and quiet the fire that had been burning deep in my soul. Since then, the high I once sought just isn’t high enough for me any more as I continue on with life seeking only the quiet calm of my own reflective solitude and forgiveness. Forgiving myself as much as I did the world who I blamed for so long! Even my cowardice I’ve come to forgive and let go as all now seems possible for me as it should you once you cross the finish line to your own marathon.